


Needing you

by boleyn13



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Drama, Feelings Realization, Gen, Goodbyes, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-07 22:34:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15917637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: “I am not leaving you, Gaz.” Jason stated with so much gentleness that Gary almost couldn’t stand it. “I am merely leaving Take That.”No, Jason didn’t get it and Gary wanted to scream. Grab him by the shoulder and shake him, then tie him down, so there was no way for him to walk away. “Same thing.”Gary shows up on Jason's doorstep to talk him out of leaving since he cannot continue without him.





	Needing you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> First time in this fandom, so I hope somebody will like this little piece of work :)

“So you’re just going to leave?”

There was so much wrong with that sentence. Just. That word shouldn’t be there. Gary knew that. Jason had never just done anything. He was that kind of man, unable of quick, spontaneous decisions. Everything had to be put into consideration, analysed and only then when Jason had thoroughly thought about something he would decide which way to go.

So no, Jason wasn’t just going to leave. He hadn’t simply woken up one day and chosen to walk out on them. The ability to do something like that wasn’t in his DNA.

What else was wrong with Gary’s statement? The entire sentence was incomplete. Gary didn’t want to ask Jason why he was leaving. Why he was leaving the band, his three mates, brothers so to speak. What Gary really wanted to say was “So you’re just going to leave _me_?”

Unfortunately that was something that Gary could never say. Because then he would make Jason’s departure about him. Then he would be that old Gary again. That guy from almost 20 years ago who had always not so secretly believed that this entire project had entirely been about him. Back then it had been him with one foot out the door, eager to achieve greatness completely by himself and dear god had he been sure that he could do so much better on his own.

What a hardship to learn that Gary couldn’t do better on his own. Unlike someone else. For all that talent, all those melodies and tunes that were constantly running through his head and music in his veins… Gary still had had to learn the hard way that he could never be a solo artist. At least not the kind that he wanted to be. It was so easy to say that he would be completely happy as long as he had the possibility to make music for a living. That pouring his heart and soul into his songs would be enough. No, Gary was craving fame and success. Oh, he could perfectly do without being photographed while walking down the street in dirty jeans when he only wanted to get some fruit from the grocery store. He could live without a talk show host asking him about his workout routine or the press writing about how he could try as much as he wanted to, he would always look like a banker or manager next to his bandmates.

All of that could go straight to the trash.

What Gary couldn’t do without was the applause. People waving their hands in the air, singing along to his melodies and screaming with joy when they recognized a certain tune. That was Gary’s addiction, the monkey on his back, the thing he was always striving for. You could write the most beautiful song in the world, but what was it worth if there was nobody to listen to it?

Although Gary had never done terrible, on his own he was thousands of miles away of what he could do with his three friends. Gary had learned a long time ago that all of this wasn’t only about him. He could not do it without them. Gary could not do it without Jason.

The man standing right in front of him, looking at Gary with his light blue eyes, wearing the tiniest of smiles on his lips. It did not look very happy though. “We’ve talked about this before, Gaz.”

Yes, they had, but Gary still wasn’t willing to accept the outcome. “We haven’t talked about it enough then.” Gary hadn’t talked him out of it yet, so there was still plenty to talk about. Reason enough to show up unannounced one late afternoon in front of Jason’s door.

Instead of complaining, insisting or sending him away Jason let him in, made Gary sit down in the living room and brought him something to drink. The gesture was so Jason that Gary already wanted to scream. Something he was going to miss desperately if Jason should really walk out of him.

Them. If Jason should really walk out on them.

“It is rather sweet that you are doing this. Believe me, I appreciate it, but there is nothing you can do. I’ve thought really hard about this.”

Of course. Jason – always the thinker.

“Listen, Jay, whatever isn’t right for you or whatever feels weird, just tell me about it and we’ll work on it. There is no reason to leave. Nobody wants you to leave.” Gary had to keep using those words. Nobody. Us. Howard. Mark. The guys. Mates. Us.

There was no way he could tell Jason something else. _Don’t leave me. I need you. I cannot do this without you._

Jason was still smiling, but he lacked his usual spark. That dazzling smile which could make anybody’s knees go weak. How was Gary supposed to do without that? “Nothing feels weird. There is nothing you can do, because there is nothing I can do. I am done and that’s about it. I’ve had the most amazing time, but it has come to an end for me.”

“Jay, come on, you can’t…” It was such a terrible feeling to be so utterly helpless. Something Jason should not make him feel like this. “There has to be something I can do. Or at least give me a reason.”

That didn’t happen, Jason tried to take the conversation into another direction. “You’re being really sweet, but we both know that you will be fine without me. I am done, but you guys are not, I am aware of that. You are going to be an amazing three-piece. I am definitely going to get your record.”

“Stop doing that.”

Finally that smile faded away due to Gary’s bitter tone. “Stop doing what?”

“Talk like that. Like you leaving is no big deal. Like you’re actually going to leave. You won’t I won’t let you.”

Jason wasn’t a person who shouted. Even when he was angry. For now he only started to frown. “What is that supposed to mean? That is not your decision to make, Gaz. Only mine.”

“Yes and you’ve made it without me!” Gary quickly corrected that phrase, but he didn’t miss Jason’s left eyebrow arching lightly. “Made it without us. It would be easier to understand if you could just give me a reason. Instead of those empty phrases. Normally we can’t get you to shut up and now you won’t give us an explanation.”

Now Jason finally gave him a reaction that gave Gary hope. Swallowing softly Jason lowered his eyes and then instantly crushed that little spark. And making it so much worse. “Alright. There is only reason I can give you. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Gary was perfectly sure that Jason could take him in a fight. Despite that skinny frame and narrow waist there was not a muscle in Jason’s body that wasn’t completely solid and trained to perfection. Then again, Jason would probably the type of guy to avoid punches and rely on reflexes and dance around his opponent until the other one was completely exhausted and gave up.

So why did Gary feel now as if Jason had punched him in the gut? With an almost inhuman force that he couldn’t possess. “You what?” His voice was shaking and he felt so utterly betrayed.

Now without hesitation Jason met his eyes, his expression gentle. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

It didn’t make sense. It went beyond everything that Gary could comprehend. He would have been able to deal with anything else. Jason wanting more solos. Jason wanting fewer solos. Jason wanting Robbie out. Jason wanting shorter tours. Jason wanting more time between albums. Jason wanting them to never use a plane again and going everywhere by train. Whatever. Gary realized within a second that he would have been okay with all of that. Anything that Jason wanted really. If it made him stay.

“You don’t want to do this anymore?” Gary was shocked at how hurt he sounded, but that was something he couldn’t change. “That’s it? You’re just sick of us?” _Sick of me?_

“Gary, it’s not like that and you know that.” There was a soft, almost frustrated sigh in Jason’s voice and Gary wanted to hate him for it. If he didn’t need him so much. “

“No, I don’t know that! How am I supposed to know?! After all these years you call it quits, tell us that you want to walk away from everything, because you don’t want to do this anymore? Out of a sudden? Why not just tell me that you’re sick of us? At least then we’d know what is going on.”

After swallowing softly Jason nodded mostly to himself. “I am sorry that my decision hurt you, but you have to know that what you’re saying is bollocks. Me leaving has nothing to do with Mark, Howard or you. For me that part of my life is just over.”

“That part of your life? You mean us, right?” Gary couldn’t sit anymore. Not on Jason’s couch. So he got up on his feet and he would have loved to yell at his friend and then to storm out. Except that he didn’t dare to, because the most unreasonable part of him feared that he might never see Jason again. “You’re done with us. Turning the page. Next chapter. Are you going to leave the continent again anytime soon? Clean cut and all that jazz? We’re going to see you again in the next five to ten years?”

And there was Jason. Still remaining his calm like he always did and it made Gary furious. Because Jason should be feeling as hurt, as vulnerable and as lost as him. The mere idea of leaving should leave him trembling and scared. No, not Jason. He was calm, reasonable, because he had thought this through. Because he was going to leave. Because he didn’t need all of this as badly as Gary. Because it didn’t mean as much to him.

_Because Gary didn’t mean as much to him._

“No, I am not talking about any of you. I am sure you’re just saying that out of spite and I am sorry for causing that, but it’s still my decision. I am not done with you, I am done with performing. Done with touring. Smiling for cameras. Giving interviews. Stirring attention. We had a great run and don’t doubt that I loved every second of it. But that’s over now. First I thought that I only wanted a break, but then I realised that I wouldn’t want to come back after that break. I didn’t want to lie to you. For me that part of my life is done.”

Gary snorted bitterly, looking away from Jason and tilting his face slightly upwards. The simplest way to avoid angry tears filling his eyes. “Done, yeah? Well, I am happy that it’s so easy for you. To be done with us.”

Now there was a lithe strain in Jason’s voice, hinting that his patience had its limits after all. “I just told you that it has nothing to do with you.”

Stopping in his tracks Gary spun around to face Jason who was staring at him. Confusion and unease. Why couldn’t he be scared and distraught like Gary? “Then why do you leave me?!”

Me. Me. I cannot do this without you.

Jason had to understand. There was no way for Jason to misinterpret any of this. Jason was by far the smartest one of all of them. The smartest and the most educated one. Sometimes he seemed out of this world and unable to connect to people and then he was the most charming and lovable fella. Most of all Jason was smart. He was going to understand.

“I am not leaving you, Gaz.” Jason stated with so much gentleness that Gary almost couldn’t stand it. “I am merely leaving Take That.”

No, Jason didn’t get it and Gary wanted to scream. Grab him by the shoulder and shake him, then tie him down, so there was no way for him to walk away. “Same thing.”

Only now Jason seemed to get upset. As he got to his feet he shook his head, offering Gary an expression of complete disbelief. “No, it’s not. Why would you even think that?”

“Because that’s my life, Jay. Writing, recording, touring. You’re not going to be there for any of that. So when am I going to see you? In between? Meet up for dinner once a year and do catch-up? Or are you going to call every eight months? You are not going to be around! You are leaving me!”

It was an outburst that Jason clearly hadn’t expected and that he didn’t know how to react to, because for once that horribly eloquent guy who know so many clever words was just standing there. Staring at Gary with slightly parted lips, completely speechless and Gary was overwhelmed by how much he needed him.

All of him. That soothing voice and slow speak. The tendency to give way to long and complicated answers to simple questions. That dazzling smile that still looked like it belonged to a 19 year-old boy. The sometimes crude humour. The calmness and silence. The sudden bursts of insecurity which made absolutely no sense since Gary had never seen Jason fail at anything. Not once. Those blue eyes and perfectly angular face that made Gary wonder why anybody would look at the other three guys on stage when they could be looking at Jason.

How could Jason not know that? Because Gary never told him.

“I…” Gary curled his fingers into fists, trying to gather up the courage to say something that he had put into songs hundreds of times. That had seemed so easy, but with Jason standing right in front of him and Gary not having a piano to hide behind he felt completely helpless. Gary couldn’t put this into a song, because Gary had never written a single song that he wanted to keep to himself. All of his songs should be for everybody, for the whole world to listen to.

But this was only for Jason.

“I cannot do this without you.” The words finally left Gary’s mouth and Jason’s blue eyes widened a bit. “I just can’t. I need you around. All the time.”

It seemed like Gary had robbed Jason’s ability to speak. All those smart and meaningful words had vanished into nothingness and all that was left was Jason. Still looking at Gary. Suddenly those blue eyes on him threatened to become too much. Gary wanted to turn around and run away which made no sense, because the only reason he was here was to be closer to Jason. To not be separated from him.

Then Jason took a step forward and Gary’s entire body tensed up. Frozen to a spot, unable to move. It stayed that way even when Jason’s arms slid around him, holding him tight and it wasn’t near enough. Only after a few seconds Gary could pluck up the courage to also wrap his arms around Jason. Grabbing two fistful of his shirt, pulling as close as he possibly could. Gary more felt than heard the words that Jason whispered into his hair. “You are an amazing person and most gifted human being you’ve ever met. You still have two greatest and admittedly crazy bandmates at your side. You’re going to be fine. You are going to be fine. You don’t need me.”

Perhaps that was even true. It still didn’t make any difference, because with Jason right there in his arms Gary realised something that should have been painfully obvious. Not just when Jason had announced that he was going to leave but years ago.

“I don’t care. I want you.”


End file.
